40 Days Race - Roggytopia Team

Contestants


 

Roggo Polo and Jolly Rogger are the contestants of Roggytopia. As balrogs, they do not care much about the race; it is to them, at best, something amusing that lowly humans fret about. In fact, they are at times barely aware that they are in a race at all. Hence, the log transmitted by Roggo Polo does not even have a consistent day counter, though occasionally a date in the Roggish calendar is strewn in.

Polo and Rogger are travelling the old-fashioned waz: wingpower.

 

Travel Log of Roggo Polo


 

1. Tolfalas City, Tolfalas
···
2. Thorn, Trimerga
···
3. Yojopolis, Yojopia

Station 1

[No logs survived of the start of the Roggytopia team in Tolfalas. However, it is clear that they started there together with the other contestants, and were properly registered as participants in the Great 40 Days Race. -- Editor's Note]

1. Tolfalas City, Tolfalas
···
2. Thorn, Trimerga
···
3. Yojopolis, Yojopia

Station 2

what with the balrogs, trimerga seems almost like home; except that these balrogs have weird beliefs and weirder aesthetics.

we arrived today, or at naz rate this year, at the 17th %%^^%%^%%^&&* (&*#$%, and asked a passer-by, who looked reassuringly pimp-like, where the entertainment district was. after clarifying, rather to our disgust, that he was a cabinet minister and not a pimp, he lkaughingly pointed the way to an ugly triangular building, where we sat through interminable speeches on threeism. at least the food was good, though. even roggo polo had never had hmunsa with pimento before. jolly rogger was more interested in the blood-rum flavored with sugar. when we finallz escaped from the soeeches, we made up for our sufferings with two lovely attendees, with whom we disported for the remainder of our staz. but we will bring no report of that to lighten the dark of night.

After recovering from the wogah, we had a farewell party with lots of hmunsa-blood, on which Jolly Rogger got outrageously drunk even by his standards [Ye lie! I was just a wee bit elevated, me hreatie!]. Shut up; I'm writing this, not you. Anywqy, it took us a while to recover from the party. Finally, we flew somewhat unsteadily from Thorn to Yojoplois.

2. Thorn, Trimerga
···
3. Yojopolis, Yojopia
···
4. Balrog Cuttings, Teunc

Station 3

I have to saz, the aesthetics of Yojopolis are absolutely appalling. How will our eyes survive all this pink; it's positively *elvish*!

The rumor of our cming had gone before us, and consequently most of the inhabitants had locked themselves in their houses. One of the braver government officials, however, met us (clad in asbestos) and conducted us to a very comfortable, if hideous, hotel, where the stuffed animals gave us nightmares. (We saw what are apparently our rivals in this race; they looked strangely edible.)

On awakening, we were brougth to a concert hall, where, after our eyes had adjusted to the brightness and hot pink (at least it was hot, though), we heard a filk sensation give a beautifully movign rendition of "I'm Dreaming of a Black Downfall." Unfortuantely, we got lost on our way out and landed in one of the less pleasant districts of towen, where we got caught in the middle of a snowball fight between rival Eskimo and Penguin gangs.

We spent most of the rest of our visit trying to find an adequate fuel source to undo the damage. Finally, we found a nuclear reactor and emptied it. We did, however, refrain from eating any of the inhabitants.

3. Yojopolis, Yojopia
···
4. Balrog Cuttings, Teunc
···
5. Groovyton, Somnat

Station 4

On the way to TEUNC, we saw a small hmunsa craft a little ahead. I (Roggo Polo, in case you frogot) dissuaded Jolly Rogger from boarding and eating them with the reflection that we couldn't cook them broperlz, so they probably wouldn't taste very good.

at our arrival in teunc (which seems to have done something weird to our caoital letters), we were greeted by the emira and her emir-consort. jolly rogger brunt, or rather singed, the emir-consort, which annoyed the emira - although rogger could hardly be blamed muhc, as it was so boviously a pavlovian response with no malicious intent. i mollified her by singing a festive little song:

para bailar la tamfa,
para bailar la tamfa
se necesita una poca de choklit,
una poca de choklit, y otrocita.
yo no soy un enteflammo,
yo no soy un enteflammo,
por ti seré,
por ti seré,
por ti seré.
tamfa, la tamfa, mumumumumumu,
etc.

thereafter, we gorged, or at least attempted to gorge ourselves on choklit. then we joined a package tour to the choklit mines, where we gorged ourselves on yet more choklit, even though the alchemists warned us that CHOKLIT overdose leads to imbalance in the inner moohoo (which, alas, proved all too true; but that's another story). after we had more or less (mostly less) recovered, jolly rogger went cruising for sadworms, while i preferred to take part in a firebreathing contest.

4. Balrog Cuttings, Teunc
···
5. Groovyton, Somnat
···
6. Maggstadt, Maggestan

Station 5

Like wow. The people here, like greeted us with flowers and palyed sitars fro us. THis is so .... wow. You have NO idea how it feels to brun these substances. Like, let's just lie around in strawberry and brun hashberry, and, like, CHIIIIIIIIIIII­IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII­IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII­IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII­IIIIIIIILL.

OK, after that, we hung around the local pub, and played games with fire. The locals are very impressive, almost good enough to be Barlogs. [does Ala read this? she might find it mildly amuzzling.] Rogger got into an altercation with one of the locals as to who was the best &#&#@&*#*@@&#@*#@&#@er. Very silly. The local hmunsa beverages are as appalling as the plants are exquisite. The wogah was anthropologically interesting.

I like, forgot to mention how the cobblestons made us feel GROOOOOOOO­OOOOOOOOO­OOOOOOOOO­OOOOOVY.

 

5. Groovyton, Somnat
···
6. Maggstadt, Maggestan
···
7. Khazad-Dum, Khazadstan

Station 6

As we arrived in Maggstadt, there were of a bunch of hmunsa customs officials who annozed us, so we killed one of them. Some security police then jumped on us, which annozes even more, so we killed one of them for good measure. A fullscale military buildup immediately began, and relations between Roggyopia and Maggestan were strained almost to the breaking point. Fortunately, we still had some ganja left over from Groovyton, and so managed to mollify the guards. We explained to the guards that we were part of soem race (though we aren't too clear on the cocnept).

We joined an intensive military training tour. It was amusing, especially the interrogation training.

Jolly Rogger wanted to wogah Agent Honeydew, but I persuaded him that that was just *too* sick, even by his standards.

We liked the aesthetics of the UFAT War Memorial (very noir), and found the military cemetery very entertaining, if somewhat unappetizing.

We somehow brunt our waz out of Maggstadt and took the air, dodging with some difficulty the anti-missile defense shield with which the mlorats have surrounded themselves. We flew by night till we arrived, rather tired, in Khazad-dûm.  

 

6. Maggstadt, Maggestan
···
7. Khazad-Dum, Khazadstan
···
8. Wibbleopolis, Wibbletrask

Station 7

Khazad-dûm had a nice, homey aesthetic about it, but was kind of overrun with Dwarves. However, before encountering these things we rested for a bit. I turned into a thing of slime, which was extremely embarrassing; Jolly Rogger will never let me live it down.  

It seems the main tourist event is the mining complex tour. Once the Dwerrows had gotten over gibbering about Durin's Bane, they tried to make us "pay" for the tour by helping to load carts with metallic crud. we couldn't be bothered with that and felt rather irritated, so we killed one of the officials. Unofrtunately, the official's borther was there and swore vengeance. For the rest of the tour, hidden assassins kept aiming water-pistols at us.  

During the tour, we found some Dwerrows singing their ancient anthem, "Haihô." Jolly Rogger scared them awaz by singing a ribald space shanty.  

Presently, we arrived at the Hall of Lights, which contained 999 bright lights of several (to us faintly weird) shapes, commemorating famous events in Dwearg history. Blinded by the lights, and a little drunk, Jolly Rogger fell into the chasm, greatly to the amusement of the local Incarnates; fortunately, this wasn't too much of a problem, as he simply flew out.  

We came to the end of the tunnel and tried to fly awaz, but the water pistols had weakened me, so JR went back to the Hall of Lights to get me some fuel. I passed the time chatting with the Watcher in the Water (a brilliant conversationalist, as everyone knows), while I waited quite a long time for my companion to turn up. It transpired that he had gone hunting and brought back one or two dead Dwarves along with the fuel. I chewed him out for disrespecting the local customs, which do NOT involve Dwarf vindaloo, and we made a rather hasty exit.

7. Khazad-Dum, Khazadstan
···
8. Wibbleopolis, Wibbletrask
···
9. Mt. Korvatunturi, Mornie Utulie

Station 8

We arrived in Wibbleopolis, and most of our welcoming party ran awaz. I managed to calm them down, though, telling them that we weren't really all that hungry (nudging Jolly Rogger violently at this point). We attended a rather long lecture on some mlorat thing called computer science. One nice thing about being immlorat is that we don't crash.  

Speaking of which, after the conference, we went to the local cybercafé and amused ourselves by infecting them with viruses.  

Following that, we attended the Lord Mayor's Feast where we ate, and ate, and ate. I wasn't really that hungry, so needed to brun it all off afterwards. Jolly Rogger sazs that the beer needs more blood. The food has too much fat and not isn't anywhere NEAR warm enough.  

We went to a country danse after the feast, where we brunt off the food, literally. The inhabitants seemed very taken aback at this.  

We closed our staz here by putting on a fireworks show.  

Jolly Rogger sazs that tobacco is vastly inferior to smurvacco, and I largely agreen with that.

8. Wibbleopolis, Wibbletrask
···
9. Mt. Korvatunturi, Mornie Utulie
···
10. Lund, Harjager

Station 9

We arrived in Mornie Utulie this morning, and received a distinctly cool welcome. I think people are still ticked off about Old Space Rog's epileptic attack. But that was hardly *my* fualt, or even Jolly Rogger's, though most other things are.  

Saw a reindeer flying ballet. Apparently, now that they ahve bbeen freed from Santinist slavery, the reindeer are busy recovering their older culture. We also heard a recital of reindeer poetery:  

thy antlers are like
unto a gas hike
so high are they
yay yay ya yay  

The Snowman Wrestling Match didn't come off quite so well, because Jolly Rogger absolutely HAD to try to join in. The local vodka must have addled his wits. Well, not only do we have several Snowmen ticked off at us (though I ahrdly thought *one* Snowman was that big a deal), but Jolly Rogger will have to recover his firepower. Trask.

9. Mt. Korvatunturi, Mornie Utulie
···
10. Lund, Harjager
···
11. Orkograd, UOSR

Station 10

While Jolly Rogger recovered from his loss of firepower, I amused myself by skiing, having sexual relations wth a she-yeti, and getting polar bears drunk on bats' blood. When JR had improved enough to travel (though not to fly), we borrowed a helicopter and hoofed it.  

On our arrival in Lund, we were greeted by the Schweingraf, who for some reason took an inordinate and unhealthy interest in proving that we didn't have "wings." Our lecture on Balrog anatomy was to little avail, as everything we said apparently confirmed our "wingless" status.  

The Schweingraf asked us to hunt down and kill a dangerous criminal named "Obelix." The Obelix hunt was hughly entertaining, if not particularly successful. I'll never forget the waz JR said "And your little dog, too!" when we had the Obelix (temporarily) cornered.  

After that, we had a lutefisk feast -- though we skipped the lutefisk and went straight to the aqvavit, shich was excellent. While imbibing this, the Schweingraf kept reading frim weird newspaper reports about a fake Blrog named Sir Henry Goteleigh. "Arrgh, what fools these mlorats be!" commennted JR.

10. Lund, Harjager
···
11. Orkograd, UOSR
···
12. Neo Edo, Black Dragon Empire

Station 11

it's interesting to compare roggytopian orcs with the uosr variety. the latter are bigger, more obnoxious, and talk a lot more than the former. their language is also quite different, and lacks honorific forms.

the welcoming committee tried to bore us with a political speech. "save it," said JR. "take us to the hotel."  

"coupons are required," said one of the more annoying orcs. "if you apply for them now, we might be able to find a slot in a month."  

"no," said JR. "take us tae yon hotel or prepare tae be keelhauled, balrog-fashion."  

we quickly persuaded them to accede to our wishes. (fortunately, they didn't know that JR had lost most of his firepower.) when we got there, they expected us to cook our own hmunsa. we eventually agreed, after we'd gotten a whiff of Orkonian cuisine. hurgh! we refused to wash our dishes, however. there are limits to how far one can go in respecting foreign cultures.  

We got up, wandered around the modern overground part of Orkograd, and were bored. Then we visited the Old Town underground, which was far more enjozable, with an aestheticallz pleasing darkness and a charming complexity of tunnels. We skipped Fartalot's Lavatory, though it were even more ornate than the halls of Khazad-dum, because we didn't have the coupons and were too lazy. So we strolled down to the Supreme Soviet, which reminded me sharply of a $^^&**((*&$#$#$^&&**. Sentinels barred our way, but we knocked them down and entered the SS, where a rather shrill debate on the possibility of socialist anime was raging. On noticing our arrival, one of the deputies burst into a heated invective against the Roggytopian feudalistic slavocray. JR laughed and told the guy he was nought but a ninnyhammer. I somehow managed to drag him away without killing nazone.  

Socialist bordelli are weird. They are owned and operated by the prostitutes themselves, and have extremely strict hygienic regulations. The prostitutes will do nothing without a coupon and a certificate from the Department of Health, and make their guests sign a long and involved code of conduct. We decided not to bother.

11. Orkograd, UOSR
···
12. Neo Edo, Black Dragon Empire
···
13. Wee Bull City, Weebull

Station 12

On our arrival in Neo Edo, we were greeted by a dressed-up hmunsa (apparently the Shogun) and by another dressed-up hmunsa, who was introduced to us as the CEO of Tenta-Cola, and a major sponsor of the race. This latter offered each of us a complimentary glass of TC, which afforded me a geunuinely new experience, as I don't believe I've actually been *attacked* by a beverage before. JR highly uncharacteristically decided to give the drink a miss.  

When we reached our hotel, we were besieged by enormous globs of very scruffy hmunsa, called "beggars." Either something to do with capitalism, or something in the water; most likely the latter. JR brunt them in a fit of pique, but no one seemed much to mind. He came pretty close to brunning down the hotel as well.  

The hotel was too brigth and not warm enough, but otherwise not too appalling by hmunsa standards. We spent the night there being visited by call girls. "Shiver me timbers, I think I likes capitalism!" was all JR would tell me about the experience.  

Everyone seems very agitated about some hmunsa getting "murdered," as if that mattered. The dead hmunsa was being brunt across the moat, but we were late because of traipsing about trying to cross said moat. There is waz too much water in this town. Eventually we found a bridge and wandered over to the Thousand Temples Park, which contains temples of various weird hmunsa beliefs, from the blasphemous octopus-worshippers to the rather amusing Balrogolaters. Our flames still smelt of incense when we hit the Corporate Court, where a bunch of hmunsa in black suits talked a lot. We killed a couple of them, but then got bored and moseyed on down to the Sushi Parlour. There we got attacked by our own food while watching an anime about ... Balrogs. No one can saz hmunsa aren't funny.

 

12. Neo Edo, Black Dragon Empire
···
13. Wee Bull City, Weebull
···
14. Rogopolis, Roggytopia

Station 13

Flying over Psellchexxre, we felt some weird fluctuations in what mlorats insist on calling the space-time continuum. A couple of snipers fired red wavy lines at us. They rather hurt -- though JR claims they tickled. Ticked off, we did some desultory brunning.  

I drilled it into JR's head that he must NOT kill or eat any of the inhabitants of our next destination, Weebull. My efforts were unnecessary. It transpired that he'd tried them in a previous trip and found them inedible.  

Pie is apparently the centre of the local culture. We passed several processions of pie-worshippers. Eager to respect the customs, I dug a left-over hmunsa out of my pack and cooked a hmunsa pie. The natives didn't seem to care for it; perhaps I put in too much garlic. But it's hard to tell, since the atives are incomprehensible.  

We saw a ballet; it was mildly monotonous. The Weebulls wobble but they don't fall down.  

Nearly forgot to mention that there is some kind of armed insurgency going on. That reallz DID tickle.  

We crossed the Adria Thalassa on the way to Roggytopia. I fell in; actually, it felt almost as if I had been *pushed* in. The Adria Thalassa is far too wet.

13. Wee Bull City, Weebull
···
14. Rogopolis, Roggytopia
···
15. Unkle Moth, Jezistan

Station 14

Landed in Vagor, and finally got to relax a bit. I took a looooooooo­oooooooooooooooo­ooooooooooooooooo­oooooooong bath in a volcano. I really needed some rest after flying and being pushed into *water*. To saz nothing of those weird temporal anomalies. Jolly Rogger smoked a whole smurrow while I slept with 9 spider-women. Then we made our waz in aleisurely fashion towards Rogopolis, where we went to the opera and sacrificed a couple of hmunsa. Then we got on a post and passenger wagon bound for Jezzistan. (Neither of us really felt like flying.) A couple of the mlorats pulling the wagon looked a little sickly. I think that when I get back I'll issue a proposal for the better treatment of slaves, so that they'll be more efficient. JR sazs that's bleeding heart nonsense; but he doesn't really know what he's talking about -- thinks hmunsa grow on trees.

14. Rogopolis, Roggytopia
···
15. Unkle Moth, Jezistan
···
16. Junck City, Aadjunckistan

Station 15

We arrived in Unkle Moth todaz. It's a little lower-middle-class with the dead and undead around, and could use more color. The trouble with mortals and whatnot is that they die too much; not very hygienic. The capital has a sort of bizarre dead moth décor. But there's no denying the place has a certain charm, with lots of scanitly-clad feamle undead wearing an exotic perfume. The Lady Protectress didn't so much welcome us as seduce us. Since I'm used to doing the seducing myself, this was a new experience for me. Then she invited us to a feast of hmunsa couscous and falafel with a narcotic fruit called hashberry and pasta alla Caloggera.  

Then we travelled around the souq where lots of weird thigns, from skeleton-hookahs to some weird pearl contraptions, were being sold (this "selling" business is too hmunsa), and wandered around the enormous art-gallery that adorns the inside of the Great Tilde. I had to keep stopping Jolly Rogger from carrying off works of art as "booty," but otherwise he appreciated the charms of this place.  

A Nazgul tried to sell us seats on a "Fell Beast." We weren't interested in such plebeian forms of transport, and told him so.  

The Grand Mosque of Jezzism is an interesting ... thing. Worshippers, or Jezzassins as they're called, get stoned and enter the Great Link. Thereafter, we went a bit out of town to see the Taj Megahal, a beautifully ornate building that is covered with what looked to us like meaningless drivel, but we were assured were the words of the great prophet Megahal. Bored of that, we went back to Unkle Moth to get seduced again, and then flew down to Aadjunckistan.

 

15. Unkle Moth, Jezistan
···
16. Junck City, Aadjunckistan
···
17. Tolfalas City, Tolfalas

Station 16

[At this point Roggo Polo had lost the race to the Tolfalas team, but he was oblivious of that fact. --Editor's Note]

We've arrived in the mlorat city of Aadjunckistan City. It's in an absolutely horrible location near the ocean -- too much water. There's also too much light. We saw enormous billboards advertising a portable technological device that turns water into heat. That actually sounded useful, so we later tried "buying" them in a bazaar. The hmunsa was asking for too much and was annoying, and we didn't have naz "money," so Jolly Rogger (who'd had far too much of some undefinable beverage) brunt it. A neighbouring merhcant immediately grabbed all the dead hmunsa's merchandise and added it to his own stock.  

By the time we got out of the bazaar, we'd killed someone for trying to sell us icecubes, and I was keeoing as much distance as possible between myself and JR, for he smelt appallingly of hashish. We stopped to fill out a customer survey, however -- just to be polite.  

We visited the Orc quarter, where the Orcs have almost as bad an attitude as in UOSR. We saw some amuzzling turbaneed Orcs in an "ancient" (give me a break! 1500 years hardly counts as "ancient"!) mosque, the Masjid al-Uruk, and tried to entertain ourselves by making them run races; but they wouldn't play and seemd, in some weird way, offended. We considered killin them, but decided not to bother.  

As we exited, someone tried to make us wear stickers with a local folk-hero, Ro'nal Mado'nal. At first we refused; but then we figured, what the hey, why not? We killed the mlorat who stuck them on us, though; after all, some standards must be maintained.  

As we were sort -- not really -- admiring the government buildings, Ro'nal Maqdo'nal suddenly seized us and forced us to eat big maqs on a TV "ad." We were so annoyed that we brunt both him and all the customers in the restaurant. Somewhere off in a corner, some hmunsa in a crown was laughing uproariously (we later discovred that he was the King of the Bargars.

15. Unkle Moth, Jezistan
···
16. Junck City, Aadjunckistan
···
17. Tolfalas City, Tolfalas

Station 17

We flew into the Tolfalas airport. Too many hmunsa. At least they were cheerful; but even Jolly Rogger is getting mildly bored of mlorats -- except when soaked in brandy.  

Some security guards tried to extort money from us, but we killed them. This evidentally taught the mlorats a lesson, and they sacrificed gasoline to us. Although it wasn't really enough, we graciously accepted it.  

We went to visit the Old Choklit Factiry, where JR promptly ate half of the choklit; his flames thereafter were really offputting. Then we wandered over to Snob Hill, with its large tasteless hmunsa- modern mansions. Someone tried to get us to join a protection racket; but only JR was even remotely interested. We drifted over to Tuxedo Park, and killed a couple of well-dressed hmunsa. Then we flew over to the red light district and did lots of mildly disgusting wogah (my favorite was the nine-breasted Zargana). We went somewhere else and killed some more people, till we got bored and left. JR is going wherever; but I think I'll head for the Zargan Empire and stroll around a bit.

 

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