40 Days Race - UOSR Team

Contestants


 

Lurtz C. Smellitoe

A career bureaucrat, born in Tony's Cliff (Orkodonia). Joined the military early, was soon elected Officer and later General. His interests quickly shifted to politics, and after losing his General title in a narrow election defeat, he studied Political Officer. He then climbed upwards through the political bureaucracy. As secretary to the Commissariat of Propaganda he lead the Department of Fighting Against Religious Superstitions, and in that office he wrote the widely known books "The Eru Lie" and "Country Full of Wackos: The Beliefs of UFAT". He is handled as a likely candidate to become the next Commissar of Propaganda, but his military background always made him a good choice for dangerous special operations, such as the mission to recover the space telescope in the Spy Incident, or the recent 40 Days Race. A skilled orator, though a bit stiff and scholarly. Little is known about Smellitoe's private life. He has a reputation of living alone and quite ascetically.

Ufthak E. Kaboom

Not very interested in politics, but a talented mechanic who has a reputation of being able to assemble an IKEA wardrobe in less than two hours. Kaboom lives in an open commune in Orkograd, where about a dozen children call him "Daddy", though the actual number of unreported cases is probably much higher.

 

Travel Log of Lurtz C. Smellitoe


1. Tolfalas City, Tolfalas
···
2. Thorn, Trimerga
···
3. Yojopolis, Yojopia

Day 1, 13:30

The debate in the High Soviet about our participation had been longer than expected, and so we arrived in Tolfalas City just in time. We, that is me and my old crewmate Ufthak E. Kaboom, who will take care of technical problems. Not that I expect those. The Wartborc pickup truck they gave us is very reliable.

While we waited for the start, I and Kaboom distributed a few hundred leaflets to the crowd. The response was not very good. Obviously many people here in Tolfalas belong to warring mafia clans, and those without leaflets believed we made business proposals to those with leaflets. There was some fighting and even some shooting, until SPECTRE officials arrived and did some more shooting. We gave up and returned to our truck.

They did some anthem-singing and other appalling bourgeois nationalist stuff, so we were happy when the race started. We drove down to the harbour and took the car ferry to Trimerga. The price they charged was appalling. I asked the captain, and he told me that in Tolfalas, bribery money is already included by law. Weird.

1. Tolfalas City, Tolfalas
···
2. Thorn, Trimerga
···
3. Yojopolis, Yojopia

Day 1, 18:00

We are in Thorn. The journey from the coast was uneventful. This country is green and sunny and looks like taken from an Elvish holiday brochure. The only disturbing thing are those many scorched trees and buildings, indicating that this is Rog country. We bought some sunglasses from a guy with a triangular hat.

Day 1, 22:30

Visited a local ceremony. Very interesting. They have more Threeist churches than other buildings here. The cult includes some weird rituals. Imagine some hundred balrogs, gathering in a dark hall, glimmering like a thousand candles. The priest-rog sacrificed some animals, and after that came a long sermon, which I noted down carefully. I will spend the day tomorrow analyzing the sermon and formulating a Marcksist answer, in which I will unravel the religious inconsequences of Threeism. But first, off to bed.

Day 2, 14:00

I have finished my Marcksist analysis of Threeism and read it to some people in the lobby of our motel. They fell asleep.

Meanwhile, Kaboom got himself into a mess. He went sightseeing in Thorn, by bus. But he didn't know that in a Trimerga bus, mortals have to stand up when a rog wants their seat. There was some quarreling, and Kaboom was arrested. When the police learned that we were contestants in the 40 Days Race, they immediately let him go with many excuses; but it was a nasty incident nazwaz. Kabooms trousers are singed.

Day 2, 19:00

We have left Thorn and are driving northeast, along the foothills of the Green Mountains. Refuelled at a gas station run by a guy with a triangular hat. I discovered that our Wartborc runs best with "Rog Cola Gasoline", but "Fun Sparkly Gasoline" makes it stutter.

2. Thorn, Trimerga
···
3. Yojopolis, Yojopia
···
4. Balrog Cuttings, Teunc

Day 3, 0:00

Finally, we are in Yojopia. As far as we could see (it was dark already) a strong contrast to the Trimergan rog architecture. Here, everything is smaller, qyooter and fluffier. Yet somewhere in the Pinky delta we spotted a building site, where penguin child-slaves repaired a bridge. "Lo, Kaboom", I spoke, "this is Capitalism." We gave them some leaflets on the advantages of unions.

We checked in at the Hotel Sporea. Learned the Tolfalas crew was already there, but they seemed to be sleeping. We went to bed as well.

Day 3, 12:00

The luxury in the Hotel Sporea was very disquieting. Talked to the guy who brought breakfast to our beds, and gave him some leaflets on the injustice that some people are rich enough to have other people bring breakfast to their beds. The guy hit me with a newspaper. I think he understood.

We went sightseeing in Yojopolis. Saw the famous Blue Broiler on Queen's Square, a blast furnace painted with genuine Smurrow blood (they say). Had a look at the Royal Palace, where they were just preparing a huge Beltane banquet or something like that. Appallingly bourgeois. Saw the Tolfalas crew eating soup.

Day 3, 16:00

Short trip to Lake Floofenkaiyay. Saw eskimos lying on the beach, sunbathing. Strange. We didn't go into the water, of course; no Orc likes water, except when it's rain. Many souvenir shops here, selling postcards with the lake or the Queen's portrait on them. Kaboom bought a pink fluffy rabbit costume. He says he'll use it to scare the kids back home.We'll go back to the hotel now and catch four or five more hours of sleep; this will be an overnight voyage.

Day 4, 0:30

We are on the road again, heading west towards the Emirate.

Day 4, 3:00

Traffic jam near Yonk. Flamingos blocking the road. We supposed they were striking and attempted to hand them leaflets, but they just bit us. When one of them tried to mate with Kaboom, we gave up.

3. Yojopolis, Yojopia
···
4. Balrog Cuttings, Teunc
···
5. Groovyton, Somnat

Day 4, 9:30

Finally arrived in BC-City, greeted by huge lellow buildings. Really huge. Doors here have two handles - one in mlorat height, one two meters above in dragon/ent height. Were told the Zeppelin had arrived three hours earlier, but we don't worry. As Leninûl said: The struggle of the worcing class may seem slow at times, but it develops in leaps and bounds.

Day 4, 14:00

Fater a shrot vsiit ot teh Tmeple fo Toype we wrer... erm, we were really hungry. This town is so full of CHOKLIT - we walked around for hours trying to find some real food. Finally, we saw this little restaurant where they served an exquisite raw eel.

Day 4, 14:30

We may have made a mistake. Angry dragons intercepted us when we left the "restaurant", and they told us we had just eaten the entire Embassy of the Dominion of BC. They took us to a police station, where we were put into a kind of "living cell" made of wood. They said its name was "Old Man Willow".

Day 4, 20:00

After some excited diplomatic exchange between BC-City, BC-Dominion and the High Soviet, we were told that we could leave the country as scheduled tomorrow morning. We haven't seen much of the Emirate, alas, but at least we are still in the race. I tried playing chess with the huorn who guards our cell. He is thinking about his second move for 40 minutes now.

4. Balrog Cuttings, Teunc
···
5. Groovyton, Somnat
···
6. Maggstadt, Maggestan

Day 5, 23:00

mmmh... Clouds! Nice clouds... dance in the clouds... pipe... pipe making clouds... a million shades of grey... spinning...

Day 6, 15:00

Urrrrgh. Graaah. Hnrrrr. Woke up on the backseat of the truck. Kaboom told me we are on the highway to Maggstadt. Took a few minutes to realize. Last thing I remember is leaving the prison of the Emirate yesterday. Then... disjointed pictures. Head aches.Told by Kaboom that we were in Groovyton as planned. I must have started to eat those mushrooms, and then I apparently founded a revolutionary party. I have a list in my pocket with 50 names of members. 6 of them claim they have married me. Well, marriage is abolished in the UOSR, so probably no juristic consequences.

5. Groovyton, Somnat
···
6. Maggstadt, Maggestan
···
7. Khazad-Dum, Khazadstan

Day 6, 17:00

Crossed the border. Our car was searched by the border patrol. They found and removed a terrorist hiding in the cooling water tank. I have no idea how he got there, but the truck runs smoother now.

Day 6, 19:00

Arrival in Maggstadt. Finally, a town without the architectural extravagancies of the south. Pretty, simple, plain, square, concrete skyscrapers and military buildings. Beautiful. One could almost think one was in a Communist country, but on a closer look it is not so. The people are more devout, afraid to speak loud in public. And they all have "Divine Inc." tattoed on their forearms. We were welcomed by a high-rank delegation. D.S. Brown, Secretary of State, welcomed us and made us sign several trade-related treaties.

Day 6, 22:00

Have returned from a guided tour to Maggstadt. We climbed the Divine Tower, which gave us a wonderful sight. Only the Freedom Fries in the restaurant on its top were exorbitally expensive. Kaboom bought a Kelly Osbourne sex droid. Now we are in a very nice hotel. Kaboom is having fun painting hammers and sickles over every single Divine Inc. logo in the room. I don't think he will finish before midnight.

Day 7, 16:00

We had a wonderfully refreshing night. Probably due to two reasons: a) we were tired after a night in prison and a night partying, b) they probably blew some relaxing psycho-drugs through the air conditioner.

After lunch we continued sight-seeing. We went to the sea-harbour and were allowed on board of a submarine. Both Kaboom and I were seasick in no time, and now we know why the UOSR does not uphold a marine. Pity for the good lunch. Noted that the Divine Inc. logo imprinted on my steak came out again undigested. We will now attend a mass in the Great Xenu Cathedral, held by Grand Ayatollah Feldspar himself.

Day 7, 22:00

We should already have left for Khazad-dûm, but things turned out too interesting here. The Grand Ayatollah delivered his sermon about how Xenu has blessed the president and the Corporation, and all shall bow to them, etc. After he finished, I stood up and delivered a spontaneous speech disproving his theories and calling for a socialist society, while Kaboom distributed leaflets. Obviously something like that has never happened before. The Ayatollah answered by calling me a heretic and other things I didn't understand clearly, because there was so much foam coming out of his mouth. We then had a very refreshing argument with mass attendants and security guys. Nothing is better than a good political debate. We are now preparing for an overnight voyage to Khazad-dûm.

6. Maggstadt, Maggestan
···
7. Khazad-Dum, Khazadstan
···
8. Wibbleopolis, Wibbletrask

Day 8, 05:00

We are in Khazad-dûm. Finally, a people that understands the advantages of living underground. I was already in grave danger of getting a suntan. We had an uneventful journey on the highway and crossed the border without problems. I had already feared being searched again, because of the Bomb Tombadil threat in this area. I don't want them to find the neat little souvenir-torpedo I've stolen from the Maggestani submarine. We checked in at the Hotel Mazarbul, which is wonderfully rustic compared to the stylistic extravagancies we've met so far. A few hours of sleep, then off to sightseeing.

Day 8, 13:00

They appeared to have a problem in one of the mines; a cart had to be loaded with metallic ore, and apparently they couldn't do it themselves. Of course we lent a helping hand to our Dwarrow comrades. Afterwards we learned that this was the entrance fee to some mining tour. We were surprised, but also hungry. So we decided not to take the tour, but to look for a restaurant instead. The mining tour dwarves seemed amused. We gave them leaflets.

Day 8, 15:00

Had a very nice meal. Red axolotl off the bone. And a malt beer that could pass as orc draught if the taste was a bit more oily. Mmmh. Kaboom decided to climb the Endless Stair. Dumb orc. I will continue visiting the Aquarium.

Day 8, 22:00

Went back to the hotel after a very interesting afternoon. First I went to the Aquarium, where I saw some interesting species - I didn't even know an Albino Underwater Pony existed! Obviously it evolved from runaway ponies which were used in the mines in previous millennia. Then I went to a meeting of people from the Orkish minority of Khazad-dûm. I handed them leaflets, but they turned out to be hopelessly petty-bourgeois Balrogists. I left prematurely and instead drank a few more kegs of this malt beer. Kaboom has not returned yet. Obviously this stair is very endless.

Day 9, 05:00

Yaaaawn. Preparing to leave Khazad-dûm, but Kaboom is not yet there. I start to worry. Luckily, we are in no haste. I received a call from home, informing me the Tolfalas zeppelin took a wrong turn somewhere and has not yet arrived here.

Day 9, 07:30

A very exhausted and tired Kaboom stumbled into the hotel. I forced him to take a shower, for he was covered with sweat. He fell asleep under the shower, and I carried him into the truck. He woke up briefly to tell me that the view down from the Tower of Durin had been worth the effort. I just shook my head and started the car.

We'll drive back into Maggestan now and through Walden Four; the direct road through the woodlands of Tombadil is too dangerous.

Day 9, 16:00

We are in the Walden Four town Asphyxa. Made a short stop here to refuel. On the way we saw prostitutes doing weird things to themselves. "Lo, Kaboom", I spoke, "this is Capitalism."

Day 9, 17:00

After I refueled, Kaboom was nowhere to be found. I searched for him, and finally found him doing weird things to a prostitute. After he had finished, he bought the handcuffs as a souvenir, for the kids back home. I asked Kaboom why he was so wet. He told me the prostitute had originally been from Goldensho'er. I shuddered.

7. Khazad-Dum, Khazadstan
···
8. Wibbleopolis, Wibbletrask
···
9. Mt. Korvatunturi, Mornie Utulie

Day 9, 20:00

Arrival in Wibbleopolis. Rented a traditional smial. I keep bumping my head against the ceiling. Damn. I'll spend the evening reading Marcks. Kaboom will spend the evening reading magazines he bought in Walden Four.

Day 10, 15:00

Misunderstanding in Wibbleopolis. We wanted to take a mining tour, but it turned out to be a rather boring computer thing called data-mining. Instead, we walked a bit through the city and ate very much. I took my pillow and wrapped it around my head, which is a good protection against low ceilings, though it draws amusing glances from the locals. We played golf at the Bandobras Bullroarer Memorial Course. What a decadently petty- bourgeois hobby.

Day 10, 19:00

Maybe we ate a bit too much. Feel sick. Kaboom is puking all the time. Maybe the mushroom pie we had for lunch was not good.

Day 11, 10:00

It wasn't the food. At least not here. This morning, after a horrible night, we dragged ourselves to the hospital and were diagnosed with dysentery. Damn. This really doesn't fit into our plans. Now we are grounded here for at least two weeks, the doctors say. Even more annoying is that we had to pay for being treated. "Lo, Kaboom", I spoke, "this is Capitalism". Then I vomited onto the doctor.

Day 25, 11:00

Finally, we have recovered and can continue the race. We left Wibbleopolis in the early morning and are now driving north. We have crossed the border to Mornie Utulie, and the roads are getting worse. People are using metal sleighs as means of transportation here, which might be good on snow, but we have May now, and when they skreech over the asphalt, they leave deep grooves.

8. Wibbleopolis, Wibbletrask
···
9. Mt. Korvatunturi, Mornie Utulie
···
10. Lund, Harjager

Day 25, 18:00

We arrived in Mt Korvatunturi at noon and were greeted by a welcoming committee of Santa's old clone Uruks. There was another welcoming committee of Pimestaarist Dark Elves, and at once the two committees started to fight. "This will be a politically interesting stay", I said to Kaboom. We handed out leaflets, and then we were brought into an igloo and served food. After two weeks of hospital food (okay, we were not really hungry most of the time) this seemed like the best dinner we ever had. The smoked reindeer was wonderful, and the raw blubber was excellent. Afterwards, we did some sightseeing, but to an orc all igloos look alike. So we looked for some political entertainment, and soon we stumbled into a demonstration of clone Uruks demanding civil rights. They welcomed us as heroes. I never recruited so many party members in such a short time.

Day 25, 22:00

Some interesting things happened. The demonstration ran into another demonstration of fat men in red suits. Apparently Santinist landlords, led by an aristocrat named Baron Josef, who protested against the nationalization of their reindeer farms. They immediately attacked the clone Uruks. Fortunately, a third demonstration attacked the Santinists from behind, a group of Rudolphist reindeers demonstrating for whatever. I believe it was "we want free batteries for red noses". Pimestaarist police appeared, but couldn't do anything because they got into a struggle with NBETO army officials, arguing about who should be in command of this operation. When the police started to beat up the NBETO soldiers, we Orcs applied the principles of the Einheitsfront and helped the police against the imperialist NBETO intruders, which appeased the Santinists, but grossed out the reindeers and a group of Happyelvenhome exilants who had joined the turmoil in the meantime. Then a group of Snowmen appeared and demonstrated for civil rights, and somebody threw snow in my face so I lost track of the events. We beat up some more random people and then decided it was time to go back to our igloo. But overall it was great fun.

Day 26, 13:30

We slept well tonight. There is nothing as snug as a blanket of real reindeer fur. At noon we prepared for the journey to Lund.

9. Mt. Korvatunturi, Mornie Utulie
···
10. Lund, Harjager
···
11. Orkograd, UOSR

Day 26, 22:30

Arrived in Lund and checked in at the Hotel Scania. Uneventful journey. We made a short stop at Santa's Workshop so that Kaboom could buy some fake reindeer antlers to poke the kids back home.

Day 27, 09:00

Slept long and well. After the turmoil of Mt Korvatunturi we needed this. This morning we are very lazy. I am lying in the bed and reading the Öbservær, which has interesting anecdotes about elks.

Day 27, 14:00

Went sightseeing. Lund consists of a variety of richly ornamented tents, of which the biggest is the Turquoise Tent of dem Schweingraf. We tried to see den Schweingraf, but der Schweingraf admitted us not into the chambers des Schweingrafs because Kaboom used a wrong pronoun. Instead, we went to a cozy little restaurant where we tried the local surströmming. I quite liked it. I just don't understand why the waiter, a huge wild boar, wore a gasmask. I thought Kaboom might have let out some gas, and spoke: "Did you do that, you old fart?" Whereupon the waiter was strangely annoyed and stormed out of the restaurant. We didn't mind and finished eating.

Day 27, 19:00

Continued sightseeing. A visit to the harbour, and we took the ferry to a small, muddy, unimportant island not far from the coast, which is named Börnhölm and apparently is a very sacred place.

Day 27, 23:00

We left Lund and are driving southeast. Tomorrow we will be in the UOSR. Ah, sweet home! Kaboom has bought a souvenir, a round thing of which we have no idea what it is.

Day 27, 23:14

Kaboom's souvenir has exploded with a loud "FOFF".

10. Lund, Harjager
···
11. Orkograd, UOSR
···
12. Neo Edo, Black Dragon Empire

Day 28, 11:00

Arrival in Orkograd. We drove straightly to the High Soviet, where a crowd had gathered to greet us. I handed Kaboom the keys to the truck; he drove on home to bring all the souvenirs to his children. He will then bring the Wartborc back to the kolkhoz where we lent it from; we'll travel on by Lorien Express.

Day 28, 23:00

I spent most of the day giving speeches to the Commissariat of Information, the "Board of Collective Frog Farmers", the "Office of Estimation of the Available Amount of Orc Draught for Orkograd Pubs" and other boards, dicussing the news from the southern countries. Am tired from the overnight journey; so I'll head straight to bed now. There is little point in sightseeing, as this is our home.

Day 29, 12:30

We are in the train. A very beautiful, richly ornamented train, compared with our own ones. The only weird thing is that it is full of soldiers. I asked one of them, and he told me there has been a murder on yesterday's train, and they were tightening the security.

Day 29, 13:30

We crossed the border to South Aman (we were in the middle of a tunnel, so nothing to see). Five minutes after that a guy arrived and sold us a ticket. Selling tickets is as illegal in the UOSR as travelling without one is illegal in the capitalist world, so they chose this solution.

Day 29, 14:00

The train left the tunnel. This country is on the leeside of the mountains, so the climate is much more dry and sunny. We had left Orkograd in a drizzling rain; here the sky is enervatingly blue and sunny.

Day 29, 18:30

The train stopped somewhere in the endless flat woodland of South Aman, which obviously is the place for the changing of the guard. Suddenly it looks changed. Until now, the UOSR soldiers gave it a certain proletarian flavour. They were singing battle songs and passing around flasks of orc draught. Now they went away to take the next train back home, and Kuro-no Ryu soldiers took their place. They are much more reserved, and they have advertisements on their uniforms. Fat capitalists stream out of their compartments where they had been locked until now. They now crowd the dining car, ordering expensive meals and being generally snobby.

Day 29, 22:00

I can't sleep in trains if you poke me with a stick, and so I am lying awake and reading Marcks. Will arrive in Neo Edo at 03:30.

11. Orkograd, UOSR
···
12. Neo Edo, Black Dragon Empire
···
13. Wee Bull City, Weebull

Day 33, 18:00

Could not write anything for the last few days. I received orders from home, which forced me to assist Commissar Snorkel in a very important trade union meeting. Snorkel had been somehow delayed in the murder thingie, and his documents and preparations were in a terrible disorder. I and Kaboom spent several days sorting bureaucratic stuff, which unexplicably was mixed up with groundhog porn and musings about top-secret time-warp devices. Sometimes being a loyal party member is not so easy.

But of course we also went sightseeing in Neo Edo, as often as we could. We saw the EVA memorial, which reminded us of some of the bigger statues of revolutionary heroes that are scattered around Orkograd. But it puzzles us that these Kuro people build statues not of their heroes or shoguns, but of scantily clad robot females. Must have something to do with the anime cult. We went to the Sushi Parlour, where we ate large quantities of excellent fish, jellyfish and seaweed. The way that stuff is served is strange - small tidbits are gliding past us on a conveyor belt, and you pick what you want.

We skipped the 1000 Temples park, because we really had enough religious nonsense on our journey. I played with the idea of going there and distributing my anti-threeist pamphlet I wrote in Trimerga, but then I could not find a cheap copyshop. Besides, I would have had to translate it, as using Westron names in print-media is illegal here. Trimerga would have become Ominansi­nanpiposhou­koununo, Threeism is Shunjunouni­sanganjin­hiroshima, and UOSR is Hirohitotito­jinononotokyoko­unshioununinyon­khouriyonji­ojhioshounijn. No, wait, that is "United Orkish...", I forgot what the rest was.

I tried hooking up with some of the local anarchists of the Bakuninist Party, but they are weird. Some of them are anime people. They look kind of flat, have black outlines painted around their bodies, and when they get angry and shout something, they hover in the air, the whole room turns pink and flashes come out of their eyes. I made fun of one of them, but then he summoned his pocket monster, a 5-meter godzilla, which committed a special attack on me that slapped me into the Outer Moat.

We will now board a hovercraft and then travel towards Wee Bull City via The Moat.

Day 34, 03:00

We are on the hovercraft towards Weebull, have crossed the Sea of Black Dragon and are now approaching the Psellchexxre border. It is dark still, so not much can be seen of the landscape.

Day 34, 06:00

It looks like two sunrises at once. In the east, left of us, the approaching day lights the plains of Psellchexxre; in the west there is the red glow of Roggytopia on the horizon. We are in the Moat; ugly NBETO soldier barracks and artillery outposts are everywhere. But beyond them there are ancient buildings and stone sculptures, many in the form of computer screens. Some of them are glowing in an ominous blue colour. We also spotted a huge hole full of twisted, rusty metal things - a paperclip mass grave. Ah, the horrors of imperialism!

12. Neo Edo, Black Dragon Empire
···
13. Wee Bull City, Weebull
···
14. Rogopolis, Roggytopia

Day 34, 15:00

We have left the Moat and are driving along the shore of Adria Thalassa. The landscape on the horizon gets weirder and weirder. Psellchexxre was flat, dull and grey; this country is perfectly flat, and it gets more pink as we approach Wee Bull City. Even the sky is pink and starting to blend with the horizon.

Day 34, 22:00

In the afternoon we arrived in Wee Bull City. Many inhabitants were there to greet us; we distributed leaflets, but there was no real discussion because we could not understand what they said. Maybe it is their nasal dialect; maybe it is the techno music that is constantly playing from somewhere. We fled into the Hotel Chez Angry Pierre, where at least they play chansons.

Day 35, 17:00

A pleasant surprise. We didn't have to pay for the hotel because the owner's head exploded. We spent the day sightseeing, though there was not much to see in this pink haze. We ate pie for lunch, which was okay, though for our standards a bit overcooked and definitely not alive enough. Then we found a group of jams which we considered a potential political ally; they wanted to overthrow the government, but their comprehension of Marcksism is so limited that it would not make much sense. Throw them a pie and they forget their agenda! Oh, and Kaboom was looking for some local pr0n, but found nothing but donkey stuff.

Day 35, 18:00

Boarded a Fell Beast (of Jezistan Airline), that will transport us directly to Rogopolis. It's smelly and dirty, and the pilot is an invisible guy in a black hood, but at least it's fast. The pilot is talking in an even more hissing and unintellegible dialect that the Weebullians, which makes me think he has a cold. I offered him a cough drop, but it fell right through him.

13. Wee Bull City, Weebull
···
14. Rogopolis, Roggytopia
···
15. Unkle Moth, Jezistan

Day 36, 00:30

Landed in Rogopolis. It is hot. Checking in at the hotel Schweinhund, and asking the waiter for a ventilator. He just laughed at us and called us "puny mlorats". This annoyed me, and I lectured him on class consciousness and the contradictory role of the workers-aristocracy as a tool of the bourgeoisie. He hit me with a firewhip and seriously singed my shirt. Very annoying, the next Shirt Distribution is not before July.

Day 36, 22:00

Phew! This country is enfeebling. We could travel on this night at one o'clock, but we decided to spend another night in the Schweinhund, as we are quite tired. For different reasons.

Kaboom directly went to das Shelobschloß and did not come back until this evening, rather exhausted, his clothes torn and his hair - unexplicably - full of cobweb. But he looks like one who had a day of fun.

I took one of the passenger wagons to the active volcano Mount Mochalawa. Of course I had to join the poor slaves and pull the wagon. But I rather enjoyed that because it gave me the possibility to do a bit of agitation among the slaves. Many of them, especially the orcs, are very open to communist propaganda. I handed out leaflets, but as they read them they didn't look where they were going anymore, and the wagon slowed down. The rogs brunned two or three slaves, igniting almost all leaflets. This annoyed me, so I called for a strike. The rogs were flabberghasted, as their slaves normally don't do that. But I put on a pointy, fake wizard's hat to offend their aesthetics, and they fled in disgust. I sat around with the slaves for a while and read Marcks to them, and then I walked on to the volcano. Mount Mochalawa itself was very impressing. There was a restaurant on the top that had excellent hmunsa. You cannot let the possibility go to eat hmunsa that has been sauteed over real volcano flame for 3684 years. I almost regret that we have overthrown feudalism at home.

Day 36, 22:30

Delete that last sentence. I was blathering nonsense.

Day 37, 07:00

We are leaving Rogopolis, again by Fell Beast. These air trips are expensive, but we have to get out of this heat before I melt.

14. Rogopolis, Roggytopia
···
15. Unkle Moth, Jezistan
···
16. Junck City, Aadjunckistan

Day 37, 10:00

Landed in Unkle Moth. A very impressing airport, with a huge tower that glows in an eery green. It is dark here, though it is almost noon. And it is cooler. Indeed, it is almost chillingly cold. Most inhabitants seem to be giant insects. But others are not: We attended a ballet, where a female Nazgul did some belly-dancing. Kaboom was very impressed, I was rather bored. Mostly because the dancer was invisible.

Sightseeing in Unkle Moth is difficult because all street signs say naught but "!" and "?". But nonetheless we made our way to the Great Tilde, the biggest art museum of our continent. I climbed an artifact and gave a speech on Marcksist aesthetics, but they chased me down. I realized I had been standing on a priceless work of art, the "Y".

Day 37, 22:00

We were not very successful in ordering food, since this has to be done online here, and I kept forgetting the links. At the end, we simply bought some Krkznkrzvzjjic, which tasted weird. I don't want to know what it was made of. We bought souvenirs: military underpants from a company or town named "Sweden", of which I never heard before. We found a bed in something that seems to be a giant moth hatchery - impossible to sleep with all those insects buzzing around! Instead we are watching TV, which is weird, but funny. There is a famous show called "The 1000 Moods of Warren", in which a guy makes grimaces all the time.

Day 38, 11:00

We have rented a car from a guy with a red-and-white checkered hat, and are driving over the mountain passes towards High Reaches Weyr. Kaboom is playing with something he has stolen from a Nazgul: a ring that makes him invisible. I let him have his fun.

Day 38, 14:00

We planned to make a short stop in Weyr, but it didn't go so well. We started to distribute some leaflets to the local Orcs, but they shouted pro-capitalist slogans at us and chased us out of the town.

15. Unkle Moth, Jezistan
···
16. Junck City, Aadjunckistan
···
17. Tolfalas City, Tolfalas

Day 38, 22:00

Things are not going too well. When we drove down from the chilly, foggy passes around Weyr and reached the plains of Aadistan, it grew hotter with each kilometer. First there had been green fields and palms, then a kind of bushland, that soon became more dry and desert-like. By the time we reached River Crossing, we were sitting in pools of sweat despite the fact that it was already evening. Beyond River Crossing we took a wrong turn and landed in the desert. Suddenly the car was stuck in a dune and went neither forward nor backward. We left it and walked to the next oasis, where we hope to catch a caravan tomorrow.

Day 39, 09:00

The mumak caravan is preparing to leave, and we will be in it. Good. The ruler of this oasis, a sheikh with a weird turban full of brand names, was very polite. He offered me 150 camels for Kaboom, apparently he needed a husband for his mother-in-law. I declined the offer. The carawan will be fast, they apparently fill the mumaks up with psycho-drugs. I'm worrying about the temperature; it's quickly becoming hotter and hotter now.

Day 39, 10:00

Soon after we reached the open desert we met the Marlboro Man. I rode over him with my mumak and killed him.

Day 39, 11:30

Nearing noon... hot, hot, hot... not there yet... too hot...

Day 39, 17:00

I woke up in a hospital in Junck City with a real bad sunstroke. My head aches. I think I will stay here in the airconditioned hospital and not do any sightseeing. There are Orcs in this town - I wonder how they survive here. I am just looking out of the window. There is a wonderful sight across the bay to the Finger, on which there is a Palm. It looks very close at Hand.

My neighbour in the bed next to me is a clown with an annoying grin. His name is Ro'nal Maqdo'nal, and he has grave burns. He claims they resulted from an incident with Balrogs.

Day 39, 20:00

Kaboom is brought into the hospital as well. Obviously the ring he stole in Jezistan has infected him with a nasty case of Fading. Dumb orc.

Day 40, 09:00

We are listening to the radio; they have a life broadcast from Tolfalas. The Phogg team is just arriving, and a huge celebration is going on. There is steam on the horizon indicating that the Rogs are not far behind. We have not heard of other contestants for a while; I guess we have still chances to win the 3rd prize.

Day 40, 15:00

We have found an emergency choklit freighter that leaves tonight for Tolfalas, and will transport us there. Obviously the giving away of the Grand Prize has cause a choklit deficit, and now they are trying to plug the hole somehow. "Lo, Kaboom", I spoke. "This would not have happened in a reasonably planned economy."

15. Unkle Moth, Jezistan
···
16. Junck City, Aadjunckistan
···
17. Tolfalas City, Tolfalas

Day 41, 14:00

We are back in Tolfalas! When we left the freighter, a crowd greeted us and cheered. I gave a speech in which I asked how much money had been robbed from the poor to organize these celebrations. They then quickly switched off the microphone. Well, whatever. They gave us some college books and a tuition for the university as prize, so I will soon have the possibility to speak to an audience again. Am looking forward to it. But first I will take the next flight back to Orkograd - I need some rest.

Oh, and Kaboom has recovered from his fading attack. He is still a bit transparent, which is disgusting - I can see his breakfast being processed in his stomach. In fact, he has become like a glass filled with a clear light for eyes to see. Must be the fluorescent candy he ate in Junck. Hurgh!

 

Note by the Editor


 

This logbook has been approved for public release. It will soon be available in book-depots everywhere in the UOSR as a children's book with the title "1001 Weird Tales from a Capitalist World".

For the Commissariat of Information
Two-Star Bureaucrat Ugluk M. Idyott

 

Previous: Roggytopia Team

Main Menu

Next: Amoebiatica Team